“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
~Lewis B. Smedes
Lately I find the dreams cannot be suppressed anymore, even with a powerful combination of sedatives. They claw and scratch and break through into my sleep and will give me no rest. I have asked many how to stop them and why they will not leave me alone and none have given a sufficient answer. The best response so far is that I won't think of someone in my conscious life and therefore must face him in the unconscious. But upon reflection I find that I've been holding onto a grudge that sits in my stomach like a stone. I've felt that this person's stubbornness in the face of my forgiveness was a mark of immaturity, and perhaps it is, but such thoughts on my part were just pride in feigned forgiveness. I realize that true forgiveness is to let go, for as Ghandi said "Forgiveness is not the mark of the weak but of the strong". If we think about this it seems to hold true; if you can forgive a person fully it means they have no power over your life anymore; when we hold onto a grudge it means they still mean something to us, that they still have the power to hurt you just by memory. Forgiveness doesn't mean we have to wish them the best, or forget what they did, but it does mean we emotionally wipe the slate clean. We feel no more emotion for them than we would a stranger unknown to us.
I cannot deny that I have hurt people; we all have at some point. Oftentimes I have sought their forgiveness, but I have sometimes found this to be a dead-end road. As Saint Francis of Assisi said "May I not so much seek to be forgiven as to forgive". Why is this? We must of course apologize for the wrongs we do unto others and work to right them, but if another chooses not to forgive, then it is out of our hands; we have done the best we can and they freely chose to reject the attempt to reconcile. That is their right. At that point we can become despondent, angry, vengeful, or we can let go.
I think letting go is something that frightens us; it means leaving behind something that brought us comfort and happiness and starting anew with uncertainty. But something miraculous happens when you let go. You are no longer chained to the past and are able to look toward the future with your head held high. Forgiveness lets you see possibilities with new people, not impossibilities with those from the past. You even begin to see the person who cannot forgive with knowing amusement, sometimes even pity; they do not know that their pride is a vice upon their heart and their child-mind cannot comprehend that only they can undo it, that they suffer needlessly. Perhaps they will say they do not suffer, but this is only because they misunderstand the word. They may not feel misery or sadness per se, but without forgiveness a part of their heart will always belong to the unforgiven. When you forgive you stop allowing a person to own a piece of you; you realize you are whole and complete without them and they can do you no injury any longer. In the best of situations you can build something again with that person, but sometimes this is not the case. When this is not the case all you can do is let go.
But remember to give credit where credit is due. Every person we encounter plays at least a small part in the course of our life, and oftentimes if it were not for the pain we suffered we would not be led to great joy. We may lose a close friend, but the beating of the butterfly's wings ordained that loss, and that loss was necessary for us to attain greater heights. It is hard to feel gratitude towards those that have hurt us, but remember gold is only purified by the fire, and we all must burn in the flames of transformation. The question though, is whether we allow the flames to destroy us or refine us.
Hating someone is like being in a hell that we create, and that we can freely choose to leave whenever wish. All we need to do is forgive and the gates swing open. But we fear what is beyond the gates of hate; it's the acknowledgment of the pain we have felt and may still feel. But once you cross that dark void of pain you find a new dawn and the chains fall away like withered vines and you can breathe the free air once again. If you want to know what this is like think of the first smell of spring that fills the breeze when the sun begins to thaw the freeze of winter. That is the exhilaration of forgiveness. Life returns and is full of possibilities.
Whoever may read this, I hope for you that you will know the joy of forgiveness; fling open the gates of hate, break the chains of pain, and breathe the free air.
